The time has come. You are ready to commit to another person, hoping to attract the man of your dreams. You fear rejection, judgment, and if you will find what you are looking for. Here’s the paradox: when we focus on attracting a partner, we start to lose our authentic and true self, but if we stay exactly who we are, how do we attract love without doing anything different?
What do you focus on while dating?
Let’s start with your focus while dating. Are you focusing on finding a partner that can love you for exactly who you are, that sweat-pants wearing, no-make-up, occasionally a hot mess self, or are you changing yourself to fit into what you think the perfect man would desire or be attracted to? If it is the latter, I fear that you have already set yourself up for failure.
Striving for perfectionism leads to rejections.
Think about that one guy, you know the guy you met and thought he was perfect. As time went on, you realized that who he presented himself to be at the beginning is nothing like the person you know now after dating for some time. Suddenly you realize, this is not going to work out, leading to a break up and more wasted time dating the wrong person. What went wrong here? He was not his authentic self from the start, so you were led to believe he was someone he was not. Now go back to my original question about your focus while dating: when you are not authentic in who you are from the start, rejection is imminent. Why set yourself up for failure by presenting yourself as the “ideal woman,” an ideal that there is no way to maintain for the long haul?
You are most attractive as your authentic and whole self.
Now, what if you shifted your focus while dating to the former: being totally authentic, honest, and real from the very beginning? Woah! Talk about vulnerability! Think about some of your favorite people in your life, the kind of people you cannot help but to be friends with, smile with, and want to spend your time with. What is it about them that is so attractive? That they can live in their whole and complete self with confidence and unapologetic authenticity. People are without a doubt most beautiful when they can love themselves for exactly who they are, confident in their purpose and all that they uniquely bring to the table, living wholeheartedly pursuing whatever it is that lights up their soul. Beauty does not come from forcing yourself to be someone you are not, desperately attracting any man that will date you even if you know you deserve better or you deserve more. Own your worth and your truth!
You are Beautiful.
You are Strong.
You are Enough.
You are Worthy.
So why do we keep getting rejected or fail at dating?
This is a hard truth to hear: we set ourselves up for rejection when we are not true to ourselves and invite in men who do not value us for all parts of ourselves. When we focus on fearing rejection and feverishly pursue a relationship without contentment in ourselves and confidence in our worth, we inevitably attract the very thing we fear most: rejection.
Ask yourself: Can you accept yourself in your truest form, flaws and all?
Until you can unequivocally answer this question with a “yes,” rejection and poor relationships will continue to riddle your life. It is impossible for someone to fully love you if you do not fully love yourself. We are constantly told confidence is arrogance, leading to an inner voice that never relents, reminding us how deeply flawed and undeserving we are every day.
Ask yourself: would you ever talk to a friend or a child the way you talk to yourself?
No! So why is it that others deserve grace, kindness, and confidence but you do not? Now is the time to do the work to silence that hurtful voice and own your confidence and worth. When you become confident in who you are and what you offer, rejection suddenly fades to the background. You are no longer desperate to find any relationship, but rather take solace that the right relationship for you will come in its own perfect timing.
Own your truth.
So, how do we reclaim your confidence, self-worth, and contentedness with ourselves? Maybe it is therapy or finding a life coach. Perhaps it is joining a group of strong and confident women at the gym or in your community. Possibly you unfollow all people or groups on social media that make you feel anything less that complete joy and support while you scroll through your social media. Whatever it is for you, do it! You deserve to find love and be valued for exactly who you are. When someone knows and accepts you, all parts of you, for exactly who you are, rejection loses all power.